Friday, April 27, 2012

The Story of Mum - The Final Chapter



I posted a comment a few weeks ago on my old post entitled "The Story of Mum", reporting her death on Easter Sunday. I'm now writing this post from the UK, having had the cremation ceremony yesterday.At a later time, I will post about the trip as a whole, the tribulations of the journey here and the mixed feelings I have about United Airlines as a result.For now, because I know several folks want to see it, I am just going to post the "script" of the ceremony and say a few words about it.

The turnout surpassed all expectations - there were TEN of us. We had figured anything over six would be a surprise. Jackie, Roger, Steve, Sally, other Steve, Bill, Betty, Wendy and Sue (plus me, of course). Thanks to all.

It was a secular ceremony - the first I've witnessed - and regular readers will know why and my feelings on such things. I'd like to go on record as saying that, while the setting is unchanged (there are still prayer books in the pews etc), it is - to me and those of my persuasions - a MUCH better and more healthy way to go. For the first time ever at such an event, I did not have to deal with the wincing feeling I get when the superstitious nonsense is going on. Sorry to readers who don't agree, but a spade is a spade and I have put up with it far too long.

Graham, the "celebrant" as they are called, was excellent. He wrote most of what follows - except my part - from a combination of what I had told him about Mum by email, "stock" poetry that he uses often (in place of prayers, if you want to think of it that way) and his own creativity. A very nice man, easy to talk (or email) to, a true professional and far more adaptable and quick-footed than any vicar or equivalent of my experience. Thank you Graham.

I made two additions at the beginning of my segment of the ceremony. These were unscripted ad libs and do not appear below. They arose from things people had said to me since the final draft had been written and I felt they should be mentioned.

The first, a memory from Shan, was about the time spent with my Mum, in Canada, looking after her (2004-6). She wanted to express how much she still misses the fun she used to have with her - especially remembering dancing in our kitchen to the Backstreet Boys (Mum would have been 81 or so at the time). I don't remember my exact words, but I hope I did this justice.

The other came together while we were all in the waiting room. Steve, Jackie, Wendy and Sue (both from Nower Care, Dorking, where Mum lived from 2006-2009), were sharing their various but similar stories about taking Mum to a pub. Steve and Jackie would visit as family. Wendy and Sue would variously take her to appointments, the shops or wherever she needed to go. One thing, just one thing, was compulsory on all these occasions - a trip to a pub. Lunch there too, if possible, but definitely a pub. My earlier memories of visits to Mitcham were similar. She would go anywhere I suggested we might go, as long as we could stop at a pub somewhere, so this resonated and, again, I hope I did it justice with my impromptu addition.

Enough. Here, unedited, is the script Graham wrote and delivered (as I said, except for my bit) and, before you ask - YES, we really did play that song in a crematorium. It raised a chuckle. And there should be chuckles. Mum was a chuckler.

Thanks for reading. Now I'm off to argue with a bank; wish me luck.



CELEBRATION OF LIFE CEREMONY
Irene Lily Anderson 12th February 1924 – 8th April 2012

Thursday 26th April 2012

Randalls Park Crematorium

Leatherhead at 4.15pm

The Ceremony was arranged by her son, David.



Entrance Music:

Glenn Miller's - Moonlight Serenade.




The Welcome Address
Good afternoon everyone, my name is Graham Cuthell. I am a Civil Funeral Celebrant and will be leading today’s Celebration of Life ceremony for Irene Anderson.

Dave, her son has asked me to thank you for paying your respects today but also for your support, kindness and friendship over the years.

Some members of the family and friends are unable to be with us but, a copy of this Ceremony has been sent to them. It is hoped it will bring everyone closer together in thought at this time.



Introduction


Irene was not religious but she was always respectful of other people’s beliefs. It is with this in mind that this ceremony has been arranged by Dave in a way that he thought appropriate with dignity and respect but also some good humour. It will include music which has special significance, tributes to her life and poems which acknowledge Irene’s approach to life. To conclude the ceremony there will be a dignified and respectful farewell together with some words to help comfort you in the future.

Poem: The poem is entitled ‘Altzheimers’ by Dick Underwood.

You didn't die just recently
You died some time ago.
Although your body stayed a while
And didn't really know.


 

For you had got Dementia
You failed to comprehend.
Your body went on living.
But your mind had reached its end.


So we've already said, "Goodbye"
To the person that we knew.
The person that we truly loved
The person that was, "You".


 

And so we meet again today
To toast your bodies end.
For it was true and faithful
Until right at the end.


 

And so, when we remember
We'll think of all the rest.
We'll concentrate on earlier
And remember all the best.


 For in the real scheme of things
Your illness wasn't long.
Compared to all the happiness
You brought your whole life long.


 

We think of you as yesterday
When you were fit and well.
And when we're asked about you
It's those things that we'll tell.


 

And so we meet in 'membrance
Of a mind so fit and true.
We're here to pay our last respects
To say that, "We love you".


 



The Family Tribute


‘Special’ is a word that is used to describe something, one-of-a-kind, like a hug or a beautiful sunset, or a person who spreads love with a smile or kind gesture. ‘Special’ describes people who act from the heart and keep in mind the hearts of others. ‘Special’ applies to something that is admired and precious and which can never be replaced. ‘Special’ is the word that best describes Irene, a very special wife, mum, aunt and friend.

Irene was born on the 12th February 1924 in Clapham London S.W.8 to Ernest known as ‘Gramps’ or ‘Pop’ and Audrie Burt. Her elder brother, who later married Florrie was called Ron who was the father of Dave’s cousin Steve. The family lived in Heath Road Clapham. She took piano lessons and became a firm favourite at parties. Apparently as a toddler Dave didn’t like the sound the piano made so it was got rid of, a little unusual considering his fascination with music – who knows?

In 1938 (the year before the Second World War) aged fourteen she went to work in the offices of Ross’s factory an optical instrument maker where she met John before he was ‘called up’ in 1940.He was absent for most of the next five years, ending up being one of a small group of prisoners of war being marched about Greece by a lost platoon of Germans. Irene continued to work at Ross's throughout the war. She had memories of often using Clapham Common tube station as an air-raid shelter. On John’s return after the war they were married in May 1951 followed by a honeymoon in Lake Como, Italy near where John was brought up as a child. Dave was born in June 1952 and Irene became a housewife, staying at home to look after her son; something so traditional for wives of that time. Dave attended Mitcham Grammar school from 1963 and for six years Irene organised and ran an informal lunch-time and after school ‘tea and Jaffa cake’ room for him and his friends. She was very popular!

Irene enjoyed a game of cards. She taught Dave to play crib and all sorts of other games. Their Christmases always featured lots of "penny-a-point" gambling games called Newmarket, Chase-the-Ace and often with her parents on Boxing Day - after John's mother (Annie Anderson) who disapproved of such things had gone home. In her middle age she regularly played Scrabble & Mah Jong with John, her brother Ron and his wife Florrie a game taught to them by Dave.



In 1963 they tried Holiday camps such as Warner’s and Butlin’s but after a couple of years returned to holidays in Broadstairs which they preferred. Apart from their honeymoon John and Irene’s next holiday abroad was in 1969 on a Cosmos bus tour. It was advertised as ‘Five European Capitals in eight days!’ Dave joked "and getting out of the bus in at least three of them, guaranteed!"

Irene decided to work part-time. In about 1961, during the ‘Cold War’ when there were real concerns the Russians would activate a nuclear bomb she joined the Civil Defense with neighbour Carol Bawden in the Ambulance Corps. While there, she learned lots about bandages by practicing on Dave but, failed two driving tests to drive ambulances with flying colours! She never drove again.

John and Dave both passed driving tests 1970. John bought a car which resulted in a disastrous motoring holiday to Cornwall 1971 - rain, burst tyre, more rain, smelly farmhouse, more rain - now with added mud, frayed tempers, more rain, epidemic "dire-rear", more rain with simultaneous second flat tyre on way home!

Irene was widowed in 1992. After a time from somewhere deep within herself she found the courage to carry on with life and began to find happiness once more. Irene always had a few close friends but never had many. She started to travel. Irene and her nephew Steve travelled together to visit Cyprus and Canada where Dave had emigrated in 1991. There were other trips with close friends such as Bill who shared her enjoyment of gardening but, her constant companions until about 2003 were her cats. Irene had a cat most of the time - several called "Tigger" after Dave’s cat "Puss" died in early 70s. She loved owls and cats - pictures and ornaments of both were everywhere.

Irene had a lovely quick sense of humour. She was prone to uncontrollable fits of laughter on occasions as you are about to hear. Irene was an avid reader of mysteries and court-room dramas. In the past she enjoyed reading Perry Mason mysteries and watching them on television. Both John and Irene liked to do crossword puzzles. In her sixties and seventies she took pleasure completing jigsaw puzzles as well.

We will now hear some of Dave’s memories.



David’s memories



It sounds odd, I know, but the following is a record review that I wrote for a website about a month before Mum died. It does make sense, honest. Just work with me here OK?




As I write this, my mother is nearing death and it's appropriate that I comment on this single at this time.

During the late 60s, my mother worked in a local newsagent/tobacconist shop in Mitcham run by one Mrs. Aldridge. Every couple of weeks, Mrs. Aldridge went to a wholesaler - a "cash and carry" - somewhere to buy stock for her shop and, sometimes she would ask my mother to go with her to help carry things. I have no idea where this wholesaler was, but it was a short car ride away.
I was about 15 or 16 and an avid record collector.
After one such trip, my mother told me that, next-door to the wholesalers, there was a second-hand shop with racks of old records, mostly 78s, outside and she wished she knew what to look for for me because she was sure I would find it a treasure trove.
I suggested she look for anything on the "London" label. this was Decca UK's label for US releases that they licensed from small labels without their own UK outlets and I had made a practice of buying anything, subject to price and condition, on this label and seldom went wrong.

I showed her the few London 78s I already had, both so that she would know what they looked like and so she'd be able to avoid duplicates.

One day, a few weeks later, I came home from school to find my mother in a fit of laughter in the living room. The only record player in the house was mine and, though she knew how to use it, she almost never did.

Now, though, the lid was up and the lights were on.


"Oh, David", she said (back then, she always thought that was my name and, to be fair, it was), "I'm afraid I've disproved your theory about the London label".

"What is it?" She showed me what she'd found and paid sixpence or so for.



The Monotones - "Book of Love". It had not been a hit in the UK and I'd never heard it, or heard of it. She'd just finished playing it when I came in and couldn't stop laughing. We played it again. I laughed too. For days if not weeks, the house rang to "I wonder wonder who, da doo hoo hoo (Bash) Who wrote the book of looooooove?"



It's fabulous! Later, it featured in the movie soundtrack of "That'll Be the Day" and was on the album. Suddenly, almost everybody knew it and now it's on dozens of compilations in the UK and everywhere else but I'd still rather play my old 78.

Thanks Mum. that's what I will remember; that day, that old 4 speed record player, that old 78, that laughter, not the stranger who doesn't know who I am, thinks she has a baby upstairs and that the kind and lovely, but unrelated, Filipina nurse is my cousin.



Thanks Mum."

And now, some music.


Music: Monotones - Book of Love.

The Family Tribute cont.

After a fall in 2004 Irene experienced the gradual decline of her health. She moved to Canada for eighteen months to live with Dave, Shan and Irene’s grandchildren Morgan, Haleigh and Tegan. The family bought a bigger home to accommodate everyone. Shan even gave up work to care for Irene but eventually Canadian Immigration and health insurance problems necessitated her return to England which she understood and agreed with.

Irene settled into Nower Care, a care home in Dorking where she would spend the next three and a half years. Her most frequent visitors were nephew Steve and Dave’s ex wife, Jackie who called in whenever able. In 2007 she received treatment for breast cancer which she recovered from but, her increasing frailty and the onset of dementia resulted in her being being moved to Deepdene Nursing Home in Dorking where on Sunday 8th April 2012 she died. Irene is now free from the infirmities, turmoil and confusion of ill health. She is now at peace.




Irene would wish you to remember her as she was before her illness during her more content and happier times. Many of her qualities, character and values have been passed on to you and in this way they will transcend the generations of your family. Irene will always be remembered as a loving wife and mother by David and the family with much love and great affection.




A moment for quiet reflection


There now follows a moment for quiet reflection. It is an opportunity for you to pray should you wish but it is also a time for you to recall your own personal happy memories of Irene and how she enriched your lives.



Please stand.




The Farewell




As we gently say goodbye to the body of Irene we say farewell with immense sadness, but let your hearts be lifted by the wonderful happy memories that will remain with you always.

The curtains will gently close around the catafalque as the farewell music plays. Please be seated.



The Farewell music:

Glenn Miller's - Moonlight Serenade.






Acknowledgements


Dave wishes to express his grateful appreciation to all those people who have supported or shared their love and friendship with Irene during her lifetime but in particular, Sue a volunteer from The League of Friends on the information desk at the East Surrey Hospital for her help and support.

The nursing and carers teams at The East Surrey Hospital, Nower Care Home and Deepdene Care Centre both situated in Dorking whose tenderness and warmth supported Irene during her period of illness.





Words of comfort




So let us reflect upon the mysteries of life and death: -

The separateness, the uniqueness of each human life is the basis of our grief in bereavement. Look through the whole world and there is no one like Irene but, Irene still lives on in your memories and, though no longer a visible part of your lives, she will always remain a member of your family and within the circle of her few friends through the influence she has had on you and the special part she has played in your lives.


Poem: You can shed tears she has gone has gone - written by David Harkins. This poem is how Irene might have wished you to approach the future.

 

 

You can shed tears that she has gone

Or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back

Or you can open your eyes and see all she’s left.

Your heart can empty because you can’t see her

Or you can be full of love you shared.

You can turn back on tomorrow and live yesterday

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she’s gone

Or you can cherish her memory and let her live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back

Or you can do what she’d want: smile, open your eyes love and go on.

Close of ceremony music: Glenn Miller's - Moonlight Serenade.




 


 

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